I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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