I wish I only lived at night.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
