There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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