I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
false alarm, still single
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