I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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