I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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