Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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