i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
