You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident