My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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