Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
