Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
