but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
