"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
People in love make me want to vomit
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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