the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
We left an ass print on the piano.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
