there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
