This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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