seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
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we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
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He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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