When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
