Swine flu. Run for my life!
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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