I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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