My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
