I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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