he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
