Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
