Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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