i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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