How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
He shit in the fireplace
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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