Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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