Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Randomize
