i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
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Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
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Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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