Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Let's get the cat blown out
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
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