is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
