Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Randomize
