I accidentally burped into my bong.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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