Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
