Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Randomize
