Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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