Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
