is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
