third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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