So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
