Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
