goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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