Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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