I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
