she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
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The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
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Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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