He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
