Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
