I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
