I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
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And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
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Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
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