I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
she peed on how many people?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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