too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
