im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Randomize
