my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
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He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
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Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
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