found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"