...so i touched it.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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